thingthat keeps me going forward (and away from the bag of rat poision) is my little girl. I love my son but I am so afraid that most nights I can’t sleep for fear that he will kill me or my daughter…and the nights that I do my body simply shuts down because it can’t go any further…
I am so fucking lost and scared…
I actually watched what it took to stop him…four fully grown men! Two police officers and two trained crisis councelors is what it took to simply hold him down…what chance does she or I have?????
I think advice from others in my place may give me a starting point to trying to make this right.
WOW. It seems to me as if you have exhausted your resources and tried many different angles and approaches. Unfortunately, I am not familiar enough with the processes of handling such a situation but I would still like to help however I can. Last time I posted my response to your dilemma, some of my followers provided some tremendous answers… perhaps they can help once more. I wish I had more to say but I am going to turn this one over to the fans. Remember: PERSEVERANCE IS KEY and suicide is NEVER a viable option. Stay strong and keep seeking the answer that you so desperately deserve. Good luck!!!
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This sounds like much more serious than ODD. The level of violence goes above and beyond the descriptors of ODD. My only thought is to make yourself and your daughter safe. I can only suggest institutionalizing him. If it’s come down to the lives of yourself and your daughter, what more is there to say? I know it is hard to think of this, because he is your son, your blood, and you love him. It is because you love him that you should do the right thing, before he hurts someone, or himself. Good luck.
I did notice that you said he is on medication that you think makes him worse. If this is so, quit giving it to him for starters. Is he seeing a medical doctor AND a psychiatrist? If the courts do nothing to help you except to give you the run around, call your local television station and ask to speak to a reporter, troubleshooter, or anyone for that matter, or contact the newspapers. If you bring your problem to the public’s eye the courts will act as they should rather than shuffling you off to the side because they will not want negative exposure.
If you feel the doctor is not listening to you you should get a new on right away. Is your son in therapy? Has his doctor recommended any family therapy or training classes for your family to learn how to handle your son and to cope with his behavior? I live in Pittsburgh and there are special live in schools with treatment programs for kids with a wide range of issues, including ODD. Has the doctor looked into sending him to one for a while to get a handle on his behavior? They allow visitation and phone calls so he wouldn’t be isolated from you. You should see if there are any in your area or ask the doctor to recommend some. The set up might be better for your son and teach him to manage his feelings and violent urges. You should seriously consider this option for the safety of yourself and your daughter. Good Luck I hope you get the help you need.
I agree with “Concerned in Pgh” but I also have a few things to add. With my daughter we did several things that seemed to help, so allow me to share with you. First and foremost, you said the meds make it worse, so stop them. You’re the Mom and you know your child best. Second, it sounds silly, but try bottled water. Here in Alaska, a large number of us have wells and it DOES make a difference! Third, I would suggest looking at the artificial colors that are in nearly everything we eat and drink. Red #40, for example, made my daughter “ugly” (her words). Above all else, know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I have been close to where you are and, 15 years later, have come out the other side. If you need anything, even if it’s just to vent, email me. Best wishes from Alaska!
I agree with the above, especially with Theresa. My son was ODD as well, and I’ve been through years of hell with this kid. It’s pure frustration that sets him off…you ask if he wants something, and he says no (even though he does) just to ‘be independent’ (my son’s words), and then he gets mad because you listen to him and he doesn’t get the ‘something’. Then the rage kicks in…what fun. I tried to get him committed one time (he threw a stapler at an in-home counselor) and they refused to take him, as he had calmed down by the time we managed to get him onsite. Police called to the house, same deal…by the time they get there, he was calm(er). I was unable to get help for him at all until he hurt another child at school…couldn’t afford private counseling (single mom with no insurance)…and the ‘free’ assistance places wouldn’t help unless he was in trouble with the law….and, to tell the truth, they weren’t much help afterwards either. Absolutely Horrible time in my/our life.
Take him off the meds for at least 30 days (may be a bit easier now that summer’s here) and watch his food. With my son, the food coloring didn’t affect him so much, neither did foods like hot dogs, it was more the sweetners…regular white/brown sugar was fine, but any ‘diet’ food with artificial sweetners (Nutrasweet, Splenda, Equal, all were the same) would send him into a horrible rage. Watch his diet for a week, writing down EVERYTHING he eats/drinks and his behavior for about an hour after he consumes it…should show a definite pattern and you’ll be able to see what sets him off.
My son was also super-sensitive to touch…we finally figured out that certain washing detergents and soaps irritated him, and he had no other way to show it but rage…didn’t even know why he was so mad sometimes, but he was calmer when ‘undressed’ (he slept in just underwear at the time). Try changing the detergent for his clothes to something like Dreft (for babies) or similar. I’ve now found 2 others that we can use now without setting my son off…one is an all natural soy detergent from Costco, I’ve also seen it in WalMart.
As far as the summer goes, see if your area has an ARC camp (Association for Retarded Citizens) or something along those lines. I managed to get my son in one year when he was about 10…the counselors are MUCH better trained to deal with behavior problems, and it actually helps when the child is treated like he’s needed…my son made friends with a few downs syndrome kids that he still talks to today…helped with lunches, was their ‘buddy’ on field trips…really made a difference in how he saw himself. Cut down on the in-camp rages big time. They’ve also sometimes got physically challenged kids in there, wheelchairs and stuff, depending on the camp. Pricing (for here) was less than ‘regular’ day camp, and since he’s already labeled, getting him in shouldn’t be a problem, as long as there’s space available.
Fight like hell at school to get him into a smaller classroom next year. They’re getting more money for your son due to his labeling, make them earn it. I took out my anger on two teachers, the principal, and a school psychiatrist during one ‘meeting’, I mean I was a total and complete bitch, and they backed right down and gave me everything I was asking for. Well worth pissing them off if it gets your kid what he needs.
My son is an only child, so I can’t help out on how to help your daughter, just realize that she needs attention too. Try to carve out a little ‘just you’ time for her to make sure she gets what she needs from you. Do the same for your son, once his behavior gets a little better, even if it’s just a 15 minute trip to McDonalds. Rewards do work! Also, take what I called a Mommy Time Out when he goes off. Tell him you’re putting yourself in time out until you can get ahold of yourself and talk to him like a normal person, act like you’re the one being punished, not him. I don’t know if it confuses them or what, but it’ll buy you at least a few minutes of breathing time to calm before you have to deal with them again.
I know this is long, but I hope even a little bit of it helps! Realize you’re not alone out there, no matter how alone you feel (and believe me, I’ve been on hold with the local ‘crisis line’ more times than I’d care to count!) Stay Strong!! My son is now 19 and nowhere near perfect, but he’s graduating this year and has a part time job…something I never believed he’d be able to do 10 years ago!
-a fellow ODD mom in Florida